When Life Goes In Circles
Faith is a slippery, hard-to-define thing that is even harder to measure and impossible to generate ourselves. Furthermore, it is often difficult to know what we should be placing our faith in when facts are scarce. Then, when we do have enough facts for some modicum of certainty, it isn’t faith anymore. Given the emphasis people place on “keeping the faith,” I imagine this leads to a lot of worry and feelings of inadequacy.
In 2013, I decided that I wanted to travel, spending most of my time in the woods. Then in late 2016 I began to have thoughts about being a missionary of sorts. After all that I had been through in my struggle with religion, the stress of life, and for finding meaning, I wanted to help others in their own spiritual walks in a way that I could not simply by writing books. I thought that maybe I could meet and help people while out on the road. I had many doubts. After all, I have always had a terrible time initiating contact with strangers. I usually have nothing to say and the very few chance conversations I have remain very shallow. They never lead to friendships. I have always believed that one should not force an issue before it is time or interrupt the flow of the conversation to make an irrelevant point. I would only discuss religion/spirituality with someone who had actually displayed some curiosity first. Otherwise, I might turn people off. In any case, if I’m not excited and comfortable about something, it will be impossible to even explain it well, let alone get others excited. I’m also not likely to meet very many people while roaming around the woods alone. Most of all, I had no idea how to fund my travels.
Of course, I know that if God has sent me to talk with someone he will also provide people for me to talk to. I know that if God sends me to travel he will also provide for my basic needs so I can continue travelling. I am reminded of the story of the colt (Matthew 21:1-3) and the story of the disciples carrying nothing (Luke 10:1-11). I also know that the trip might actually be for my benefit instead. Perhaps God is trying to teach me something. The question still remains whether God is sending me at all. How can I tell?
“What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see.” – Hebrews 11:1
“There are many rooms in my father’s home, and I am going to prepare a place for you. If this were not so, I would tell you plainly.” – John 14:2
After several years of struggling to find a way to pay for my missionary road trip idea, I was summoned to live with my grandparents, doing the chores they no longer could. I considered this to be an acceptable deviation from my New England travel plans, since it was temporary, it was for a noble cause, and it meant I would be moving to New England. For a while, I did visit several parks, but I was a very poor missionary, and I never made any friends. I made some minor progress on my science fiction series, but kept running into obstacles. I was also expected to be available to help out much of the time and so I did not look for a job either. In 2021, I returned to Florida without ever having gone on my trip. At that time, I felt that I should write non-fiction first and wasn’t sure I still wanted to go.
Had I failed? No. At every step of the way I did the best thing I could at that moment given the tools I had available. Driving to my grandparents’ house was the road trip. Life itself was the road trip. Going where the road leads often means going in circles. Sometimes roads do that. When you are told to go on a trip without knowing how long it will take, you don’t know that you aren’t being called on a trip that is to last only one hour. Opening oneself to risks also means opening oneself up to the risk of being trapped in one place. Stepping out in faith is often indistinguishable from not stepping out in faith. Choices are almost never between an obvious worldly option and an obvious Godly option, but between two different ways of giving in to different fears.
Adventures are goal-driven. They become adventures only when there is a struggle to escape danger while still moving towards the goal, not when one puts themselves in danger on purpose for no good reason. We should only take risks when there is a decent chance of reward, not to be risky for the sake of being risky. That’s not noble or fun at all. Fear exists for a reason and sometimes we should have faith that our fear is leading us down the right path.
My conclusion is this: Trust that everything done in the past was exactly what was needed to get you to your present circumstance, and that everything you will do in the future is exactly what will be needed to get you to the next circumstance. Trust that you can do nothing that puts you out of God’s will. That’s true faith.